Before I left for the beach, I was feeling really guilty for taking a vacation. I felt like there was work on my business that I should have already completed, and that I really didn’t deserve the time away. But at the same time, I was also feeling pretty meh about work. I wasn’t as clear about the direction of things or what I wanted, and the thought of figuring it all out just made me want to take a big nap.
But we’d booked a house and had to go. And I mean, I was excited. I wasn’t exactly kicking and screaming at the thought of spending the week at the beach. Once we were there, my thoughts about work started to subside, but I couldn’t shake this feeling that there was something I was supposed to be doing.
One day, after only a day or two away, I noticed something. I was picking up ice cream for my mom and I, and as we sat in the car eating I was overcome with this wave of anxiety. It was so intense- I could feel a lump forming in my throat and knots in my stomach. I had no idea where it was coming from. I ran through my laundry list of concerns. Work, clients, deadlines, bills, blog- everything was in check. Ok…but the feeling didn’t fade. Was it something in my personal life? This was getting ridiculous. I was healthy, had a loving and healthy family, was in a wonderful relationship, lived in a beautiful apartment…. what was I so anxious about?
Nothing. There was nothing to be anxious about. But I was unconsciously telling myself there was- and I was doing it all the time. I was operating in this constant state of feeling like I was either forgetting something or never doing enough. My inner monologue was something along the lines “You chose to work for yourself, therefore there is always something to do. You should be working all the time to make sure your business is successful- otherwise, you’ll fail.” Yikes. Really?
Once I realized what I was thinking I became kind of enraged. Why was I doing that to myself? What a waste of energy! Talk about unproductive! Then two key thoughts popped into my head: 1) If I was feeling this way on vacation, what havoc was this mental habit reeking on my everyday life? and 2) Everything I was feeling felt like a backwards way for punishing myself- like I wasn’t allowed to have any fun or go away until my business had succeeded. But what did that even mean? I’d set goals and accomplished them. I’d experienced success, but I never really gave myself credit for it. The whole thing had my mind spinning. I didn’t really have a solution but I knew I had to kick this negative habit.
That experience alone allowed me to pretty much shut my mind off completely about work for the rest of the trip. My mind lingered over ways to make improvements or changes to stop these negative feelings, but I didn’t want to dwell on it too much. I wanted to figure it out when I got back after my head had a chance to clear.
So that’s what I did. And boy did the time away make the changes I needed to implement clear as day. I’ll be sharing what I realized and what I’m changing next week. In the mean time, have you ever caught yourself in a negative thought cycle? If so, how’d you get yourself out of it? I’d love to hear any tips you have!
Ps: I’ve put all the Cape photos and photos from our Rooftop Dinner Party in albums on the CC Facebook- makes them super easy to browse!
oh man, what a great, honest post. i have absolutely been caught in such cycles and felt anxiety unnecessarily. i look forward to reading your follow-up on this. keep breathing, and i’m glad you were able to enjoy the rest of your trip!
Dear Clara
Thank you for your lovely blog and todays beautiful photos – it makes we want to visit.
Your comments today regarding taking leave gave me pause for thought.. I think an interesting statistic is that the country in the world which probably takes more holiday than anywhere else is Germany and yet the most productive country in the world is Germany. You don’t have to be working 24/7 – 365 days a year to succeed and in fact I would say it is counter-productive. The body and mind need time to recover to take time out to think, relax, sleep and do nothing so that you can recharge. Please do not feel guilty for taking time off work – enjoy it!
That IS interesting. Europe really knows what’s up. Your philosophy on vacation and time off is so much better. Thanks for sharing this info- it brought me such comfort!
I find myself doing this all the time! I think it’s an easy trap to fall into. Sounds like you had a great vacation! Your pictures are beautiful!
i completely agree with Kate — in Europe, we take a lot of holiday time but we still manage to be very productive and i think that taking a break helps productivity and helps to refresh the mind. my boyfriend is American and I’m English and I notice a big difference in our holiday culture all the time. he cannot believe how many holidays i take in a year!! definitely don’t feel guilty for taking time off — work hard but play harder
xx
A quote I always try to remember when I get that way about relaxing ” You can get a million dollar idea while you are getting a massage !”
I love that. Thanks, Lisa! xx
I could have written the same post. I haven’t been giving myself credit for all the things I have accomplished and have been focused on jobs I haven’t received or ideas I haven’t carried out yet. The feelings of not knowing what to do, wanting to just take a nap, or having a big ball of anxiety… I hear you. I’m still working on how to let go, recognize the good things, and give myself permission to relax and enjoy the “slow” times. Thanks for sharing this and have a great weekend
I’m so glad it helped! We need to give ourselves WAY more credit.
I’m moving this weekend and going on vacation in a little over a week, so this was perfect timing. I definitely fall into the trap of thinking there’s always something I should be doing, but we need downtime to be productive, we just can’t run 24/7. I’m hoping with my new apartment it will be easier to get away from my desk and work and create areas where work is off limits so I can give myself time to relax.
Sometimes we are so hard on ourselves. Glad to hear you recognized that and are trying to be kinder to yourself. Have a fabulous (and well-deserved) weekend!
Such a great post (and wonderful pictures, too). That overwhelming feeling of anxiety and “need to-do” is so hard to get away from sometimes, so I’m glad you were able to find some quiet moments and relaxation!
I’m finally catching up on some of my google reader…and am so happy to have read this post! I have definitely put myself in the same position before. It’s really hard for me to get out of this mind set…but it’s something I try to remind myself about. I think being conscious of it really helps. I hope that you have a great time in Italy.