Earlier this week I caught an awesome Biz Ladies/ Design Sponge post on How to Escape the Comparison Trap. Are you prone to the comparison trap? I fall into it all the time. I’m really good at it. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read another blog or looked at someone’s event planning business and thought “Why can’t I be like them? I want what they have!” It’s really productive.
Luckily, I’ve gotten a bit better at stopping these thoughts in their tracks. They crop up from time to time, but mostly I’m able to dismiss them quickly, realizing they won’t accomplish anything, and that in reality, I’m very happy with my life. Becka, the girl who wrote the article, shares some great tips for paring down the online clutter in your life to actively keep from falling into the comparison trap. I follow most of her recommendations, but there’s one in particular I’ve really exercised to the maximum. And that would be Facebook.
I’m not on it.
This wasn’t always the case. I joined Facebook during college and stayed on until December 2009. If you had asked me in late 2009 or early 2010 why I got off, I probably would have told you it was because I was studying for the GMAT. This was kind of sort of… ok really, not at all true. I said it anyway though, because I was afraid to be honest with people as to why I got off. But the truth is, the reasons I got off have a lot to do with the comparison issues Becca talks about in the article. Facebook made me constantly compare myself to other people, and because of that, I always felt like I had to “prove” how great and fun my life was on it. If I was posting pictures, it was partially because I wanted to share the pictures with my friends, but also because I wanted it to seem like I had fun! I went out! My life was so great!
Along with the tendency to try and “prove my life,” I also felt like Facebook brought out some of my worst qualities. I can have a bit of a jealous and possessive streak, and by viewing other peoples profiles or seeing other’s activities on Facebook, I would get jealous of people or possessive over weird things that in actuality, I really didn’t care about.
Some people could recognize these tendencies and just decide not to go on Facebook but keep their account. That wasn’t going to work for me. I don’t have that much self control! So I de-activated my account. That’s not as scary as it sounds. Even if you deactivate your account, for a certain amount of time Facebook still keeps all your account info. Still, it was hard. I was very tempted to go back on in the beginning. I remember at one point an old co-worker got engaged, and immediately upon hearing about it I went back on Facebook to check out her photos. But after looking at them I was kind of like, huh, that’s it? So I tried to remember that feeling every single time I was tempted to go back on.
People’s reactions were really funny. Some friends asked me to go back on, though they weren’t the people I was closest with. A lot of people thought it was crazy that I wasn’t on it, they couldn’t imagine how I lived without it. In the beginning I thought about what I was “missing” all the time, but now I hardly ever do. And the funny thing is, it actually made me invest more in my friendships. Now, instead of writing on someone’s wall or commenting on a photo, I send them an email, catch up over the phone, or send a handwritten note around holidays. Yes, it is more of a challenge to remember birthdays (!), but my friends are all pretty understanding. In the beginning it freed up a lot of my time. Now, between my own blog, reading other blogs, and Twitter, I probably spend more time than ever before online. Nonetheless, I think not having Facebook in my life is still beneficial, especially when it comes to comparing myself to other people.
The purpose of this post is by no means to tell you to get off Facebook. I think this was something that, selfishly, I kind of wanted to say for a while. Everyone I know is on Facebook, so I’m definitely in the minority. And the truth is, between my blog and business, I may actually need to get back on Facebook for work purposes in the near future. But for now, I’m good without it and hardly ever think about it.
If you made it through, bravo! I’m so curious, have you thought about getting off Facebook or disconnecting from any social media? Have any good techniques for staying out of the comparison trap? I’d love to hear!
Photo Credit
Thank you for such an honest post about this– I have spent an embarrassing number of hours hemming and hawing about whether I should leave fb. I got off once but got back on within days (I just found out I was pregnant and knew it’d be an easy way to tell faraway, semi out-of-touch friends when the time came).
I would LOVE to get off facebook!! Less for the comparison trap (though I find myself doing that, too, for sure), but because I suspect I’d end up doing what you did, and invest more meaningful time and effort into real-life friendships and relationships. I have to monitor my boss’ fb page, and I’ve come to see fb especially as slacktivism in so many ways– the engagement you experience on there usually isn’t meaningful, there’s no risk involved in any of the relationships or positions you take (you don’t even have to be honest, so is everyone else … ?). There are truly maybe ten friends keeping me on– people I know from experience I’d lose touch with but whom I adore.
Fb has its tentacles in me at least for a few more months … but I hope I’ll someday get off it! Bravo to you, being three years off! (Sorry for the way-long comment!!)
Not too long at all! I’d probably feel differently if I had a baby on the way, that does make a difference. And even though I have my core friends, there are probably some people I’ve lost touch with because I’m not on it… but I suppose you just have to decide what’s right for you. I must admit though, I’d hate to have to manage someone else’s FB page!
I have had some nice discussions about that very thing with my 24 year old son. Its especially difficult if you are going through a hard time and you feel like a failure and everyone else looks like their lives are so wonderful. Its like one of those elaborately crafted cheery mass Christmas letters, but its in your face every day! I think you would be so busy putting on a show that you wouldn’t have time to do your real living.
I am not on it because it makes me feel bad about myself. I spend real time with my real friends. Sorry to be so sour grapes about it!
Anon- I completely understand where you’re coming from, so hardly sour grapes! It is especially hard during rough period, because the whole online thing makes it really easy to inflate the happiness in other people’s lives. I certainly respect your decision not to be on it!
I couldn’t agree more with you Clara. I’m actually not the biggest fan of Facebook, but I do maintain an account. I find that so many people send out invitations to social gatherings on Facebook, and it seems like if you’re not on Facebook, you’re not made aware of these things! It’s always just assumed that everyone is on Facebook. However, I have considered de-activating my account many times. Not to mention the fact that it has caused the occasional problem in some of my personal relationships (jealousy indeed)! I do try to limit the amount of time that I spend on it, and try to make sure that it’s not a substitute for calling, emailing, and even writing letters to friends.
I totally know what you mean about the social aspect! When I first got off my boyfriend kept getting invited to all these parties and I was like, “Why am I not being included?” I didn’t even realize it was because I wasn’t on facebook, so if it weren’t for him and our social lives not being so intertwined, I’d probably be on it!
I sometimes feel conflicted about the amount of time I spend on facebook, versus getting out into our life here in China. But on the other hand, facebook has also been an awesome tool to remain connected with friends who we hope to see when we return. I do still struggle with the balance, but I think that’s mainly a struggle with my self-critic who always says I need to be doing more. Still, my husband and I have been trying to get out and take advantage of learning more about where we live while we’re here, and balance both cultures to which we now feel we belong!
wow, when i went through your piece it sounded to me like you had read a chapter in my life while on FB. You actually gave me a definition of why i got off facebook because i also mumble when people ask me why i deactivated my account. It is good to know im not alone here …out of Facebook. Believe it or not but your account of how and why you got off facebook is the exact reason i am FACEBOOK BINGING-FREE.
Hi Chelsea- I’m so glad you enjoyed the post, and that it was a relief to know you’re not alone. I have a feeling a lot of people feel this way- they just don’t come out and say it!
That’s a skillful answer to a difficult qusteion
i love this post. i’ve heard many reasons for quitting facebook, but this is a new one (and a great reason at that)
i’m still on facebook, but think every now and again about quitting – mainly because of the rubbish privacy policies. i just can’t let go of the fact that it’s my link to all these people i’d have no other way of contacting – people i met while travelling or worked with four jobs ago. i like knowing i can get in touch with them if i need to, which probably also explains why i have far too many things hoarded away in my house! haha
I never got on facebook!!!(the minor minority) But I very well comprehend what you are saying.
I think FB feeds your voyeuristic instincts to peep into others lives. But….. if I did have joined FB,…i definitely would have said this.. “I always felt like I had to “prove” how great and fun my life was on it”. I think this behaviour is at the core of modern day lifestyle. I am sure even people who are active on FB must be going through this syndrome.
Nevertheless, from carrier-pigeons to telegrams to tweets to watever next. Its amusing to see how we are evolving. Perhaps, the next networking buzz would be direct networking through mind waves or something on those lines?
Great Post!!
and never regretted it!!!
I’ve never joined
It’s true. So true it’s embarassing for those of us who thought one would die without facebook. However, I must say, I don’t spend much time on fb as av a lot of work to do in the office. It’s just scary that It would be different if I didn’t have a job. Ad eat, sleep, drink, dream facebook! Scary
Hi Clara,
I like your post very much. It brings out so many things that a lot of us cannot put a finger on. What is that feeling you get when you have spent hours on FB but are still not happy?. I have not been on FB that long to feel it, thankfully. I know of a lot of friends who have done it, regretted it and are still on it. I feel it is like any addiction, you know what it is, you know the consequences and you are still drawn to it, attracted to it and yearn for it.
Thanks for your post – you bring a new and valid perspective.
CK
I have been off facebook since January and am loving it!!! I have to agree, even though I don’t like to admit it but I quit Facebook becasue of the comparison issue too >_<
*because
Hi i am not not sure as i am a Guy if i should be commenting on your site it just caught my eye whilst i was reading Sky News ,Well i wont be rude about Face book Lady’s !!Yesterday morning i came off Facebook!, as i just felt that it was slightly over taking my life in some ways ,i was only talking to my friends ,but after a while some i noticed were on there on and off all day !!,and some of the things they were saying made me realize that the site was controlling people and their every day life by telling people what they were doing even down to what they were doing at that moment in time ,do i really need to know !!! No i am quite an outgoing person and do enjoy life but i do feel this sort of networking is controlling us and what we do its a bit like the fact that all these club cards and loyalty cards are watching every thing we purchase Fact!!! i do not use them ,don’t get me wrong i am not against the internet in any way its enabled me to run my company from home and the Uk and give me free time out ,i will sign off now as i could talk for ages on life Thankyou!!!
I cannot remember reading a more sensible article than this one! We all are so much into facebook, that sometimes we struggle to live out of it. This is a case of real Vs virtual. We are so obsessed with constantly exhibiting our expressions and emotions without any inhibitions, in facebook, that we forget to pay attention to the finer things that life is made of! Poor me! am still in facebook!
Thanks for writing such a great article! I have been working overseas for many years and FB is the preferred communication method of many of my friends back home. I have never been on FB. I have never really wanted to be due to many of the reasons others have mentioned here. I find it fascinating now how much I miss in getting information from businesses and on topics I am interested in when then ask me to “Follow me on Facebook!” I know this is the evolution of the social network, but it isn’t enough for me to want to join yet. I think the one thing I have noticed from speaking to others is that it robs true friendships of a certain quality: if you share things with the world and only on one platform and it 40 words or less (for example), how special is it? I am still developing the lifelong discipline to stop, check the timezone and call someone directly (thanks Skype!) or better yet, write a letter and post it. In my small circle of close friends, the greatest gift isn’t on an occasion – it is the day you get a handwritten card or letter in the mail. I think FB has a created irreplaceable space in our culture, but I do hope it doesn’t make the ‘old fashioned’ means of communication obsolete over time just due to the convenience and our need for instant gratification for information.
I don’t think facebook is the problem here. You sound just like the people in neighborhoods all across the US who feel like they need the best houses and cars because their neighbors do. And that has been going on forever.
I also disagree that interaction off of facebook or any social media is any more shallow than a shallow conversation among friends favlce to face.
Don’t blame the medium for what is essentially a different problem.
There is a way of getting out of the comparison trap; change your perspective. So what if somebody has more than you, better things than you or has succeeded where you’ve failed? We all have those comparisons. But the chances are that if they are somebody you’ve chosen to add to your friends there must be some common bond that made you want to hear from them again. I’ve got lots of old school friends on facebook who I hadn’t seen in over 20 years. Lots of them have done better than I have in life. Some have done far worse. But I love being able to message people I would probably never have seen again. If they are judging me at the same time I really don’t care as it doesn’t affect my day to day life or happiness. I understand where you’re coming from, but I’m lucky I feel differently as I now have to use it for work too. Which can actually work really well as you do have a whole new market to tap into on there…
I agree. I have lived in over 50 places in my life, and without FB, I would have lost touch with probably 95% of my 800+ old and new friends I have (re)connected with. It’s a godsend for ex-pats like me.
Wow, thank you so much for writing this! I feel the exact same way and it’s nice to know I’m not alone (same goes for a lot of the comments). I got off Facebook for good at the end of last year – ostensibly to avoid distraction during exams, but really I just didn’t like how being on Facebook made me feel, or think. I’d while away a couple of hours checking out (aka Facebook stalking) people’s profiles and realised that when I got off the computer, I felt crap about myself either because a) I was being a nosey, judgmental bitch and/or b) everyone else’s life looked photographically more fun than mine. I knew rationally that Facebook didn’t represent the reality – everyone else was just like me, trying to make their lives look and sound as interesting and fun as possible. But I couldn’t kick the habit (of obsessing about others OR myself), or how it made me feel, without getting off it for good.
A couple of other reasons, though: one, the weird impact I felt like it had on my relationships. I didn’t like that I’d meet a friend for coffee, ask her what she did in the weekend, and already know the answer because I’d seen her photos. Then there was the creepy phenomenon of walking past someone you barely knew and not really acknowledging each other, all the while knowing what they had for breakfast and that they’re going to Germany next month because they’re your “friend” on Facebook. Although Facebook’s supposed to imitate and facilitate our social lives and interactions, it became increasingly clear to me that it just distorts them. Second, Facebook’s privacy policies. Every word or photo you’ve ever posted, regardless of whether you’ve “deleted” it, or if it was a personal chat – Facebook has stored it. For most people on Facebook, that’s more information about an individual than any government has. No thanks.
ANYWAY, thanks again for this piece and cheers for the opportunity to vent in a forum that *gets* it!
Strange how many people really are hooked on fb. As a software developer I have developed systems similar – as far as exchanging messages and data goes – to fb. So it was natural for me to keep an eye on what fb was offering, the way it was implemented, what made it attractive etc..
Then one evening I noticed that some people for whom i had always had great respect and who I always considered to be of above average intelligence were exchanging virtual strawberries via one of the brain-dead games available on fb. When I looked closer it seemed to me that they are not really doing much else and that their lives, based on the number of messages and the time of day or night they were being sent, was governed entirely by this monster. I could see that at the moment they woke up in the morning their first action before even cleaning their teeth was looking up the last nights messages and responding with some trivial reply. Hardly an hour went by without them being involved in fb in some way. No matter how stupid or unimportant a posting was, it just had to be replied to. It would appear that some type of mechanism forces people to feel that it is their duty to reply to any message aimed at them.
In one experiment we sent absurd messages form a fictitious user to someone and kept them busy for days just replying.
I also experimented by making all our pets, that is 3 guinea pigs, a rabbit (now deceased), and three golden retrievers members. That was easy because being an internet provider I can generate unique email addresses as fast as I need them. Then, it was no surprise, the “i want be your friend” requests started piling up. Unbelievable. Adults, people who could be spending their time achieving far more in their lives than exchanging banalities via a broadband cable, were hooked talking to animals.
I agree with the article, that it may be difficult to get off the hook, but amongst my friends and acquantances I am also experiencing a decrease in interest in fb. Not even my teenage children bother to log in any more.
However several people with small to medium size businesses (6 to 800 employees) seem to consider fb as a cheap replacement for what up until now have been expensive, designer-built, web-sites.
I am keen to see if fb will maintain anything near its original popularity.
-Paul-
I was on FB for just a few months and decided to de-activate my account. What annoyed me is the initial settings that had to be set in order not to get beeped by bbm and email notifications, and also for privacy reasons. Then i had to make sure my phone and gadget devices stayed charged and that annoyed me. Then as my ‘friends’ list grew i had to make sure i logged on frequently so i dont lose touch with all the mostly useless messages comming through. My work productivity started to suffer and so did my daily routine. Do i really want to know what everyone else is doing and going to all day? I really dont! I have enough to keep me busy. Its distracting and time consuming and we constantly have to feed it by reading and responding. Never mind the chaos it creates in peoples personal and professional lives. I have a blackberry, ipad , imac and pc and i used to love technology. For some time now these little gadgets that have robbed me of precious time, have been shoved aside as i have come to discover that i have more than enough to keep me entertained and healthy and happy. Its far better to visit someone, to get out into nature where awe and thrills never dissapoint, to enjoy your favorite sport on a mountain bike, on a crag or what ever and get some sun, these are the things that really keep us connected to who we are and to the joy of living.
Some times there are pschotic people who can use facebook to find your friends…and then send propoganda..I mean the person coudl be hurt in business..and his intention is to destroy your character..Some how..You dont know the persons intention..But slowly the persons joins your facebook..He knows your more ….and later he strikes..This is how professional. .criminals behave…
Also I know people from my area who use it … to see your connections ,etc…and then misuse it by contacting them..Trying to gossip behind back…and …etc..
And then there are people who are from my church. .or relatives..They just wait in facebook just to see how things are going..It more looks like a spying tool for me…
No use..So i should soon be coming out of facebook..
I do have contacts let them contact me via email .other wise bye bye..
And then other issue it affects my focus ,etc
Many misuse. .. so no use..going for facebook..
I do not use Facebook and never will – happy!
i think most people have trouble avoiding the comparison trap. maybe because people generally have a hard time knowing what they want out of life, so inevitably they look at how other people live. it’s hard to shut that off, and technology and globalization only make it easier to see. you’ve probably seen it, but the atlantic’s cover story from last month had a great read on facebook and how it may be making us feel lonely.
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/05/is-facebook-making-us-lonely/8930/
…all this from a guy who went about wanting to rate women because he wasn’t getting laid; he’s practically re-defined what constitutes social interactions. One man’s revenge is the others relief.
As interesting, insightful and honest as this article is, the replies that follow illustrate what we have allowed ourselves to be walloped by. Popularity, updates, ‘Likes’, honeymoon photographs (while still on honeymoon), “I am here”/ “I am doing this” – illustrates a need for daily social anniversaries.
I know someone who updated his father’s untimely/ tragic death on fcbk. One can always argue about keeping well-wishers informed (esp. since they were indeed a multitude), etc. and rightly so. How about the sympathies being posted/offered on fcbk? Indeed, condolences were posted.
So nice to read this article. I wish there were more people out there who could see how much better life is without Facebook.
I have been Facebook free for a year and a half, and I don’t miss it. Like you mentioned, my friendships are actually stronger because we make the effort to keep in touch.
I have a feeling that more people will come around to our way of thinking in the near future..
No-one needs Facebook, the oft used remark that FB is a tool used to keep in touch with others seems like a very weak reason to use FB. When I was on Facebook it was always astounded at how easily people “friended” each other, if you recognize someone from the party last night- automatic FB friend.
I read a study that said the people only have enough room in their Cerebral Cortex to maintain close relationships with 50 people. Anything over that threshhold and we are biologically unable to maintain the close bonds required for an intimate relationship. Let’s not see this as a shortcoming, I’d rather have 20 intimate authentic friends than 500 acquaintance-friends.
Facebook=fish hook
I simply do not understand the “addiction” so many people seem to have to social media websites. To read the way you all talk about FB here, it is as if you are all discussing heroin dependency!
My ex used FB for all manner of dodgy snooping. She seemed to be able to find out things James Bond would have been proud of. This of course led to all manner of arguments and cat fights(with her contacts). I convinced her to close her account a few times but the cold turkey proved far to much for her to bear. Of course good ‘ol FB made it ever so easy for her to “score” again. She was back in the thick of it in under a minute despite changing password etc.
I have never used facebook or twitter or any other of these sites. From day one they seemed to me to be dangerous places to spend my time and it seems like a better and better decision as each week passes.
My advice would be to get out now so you can look at other sad people in a few years and say “oh you’re still on that old rubbish? Tut, do you still have a CB too?”
Hi Clara! I just discovered your blog and L O V E it! I also smiled when I read why you gave up facebook. I went on a temporary hiatus right after New Years, and it was one of the best things I could’ve done. I fell into the same trap of comparison. Other people seemed to be having more fun. And after graduating college in May, I started not just being jealous over people’s social lives, but also their jobs! It took me a bit to realize that I was comparing others people’s high light reels with all of my out takes. Of course everyone looks like they have so much fun, love their job, have the best clothes, and the best friends on facebook! Even if in reality they too occasionally stay home on Friday night, wish they had a different job, and want to buy more clothes…
Now I basically use facebook as an address book for people that I need to contact but don’t have their number. If they are my close friends, I’d rather call them anyways!
As far as comparison on facebook or anywhere else goes, I’m just sticking to Eleanor Roosevelt’s advice: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
You have just pretty much validated all my reasons for not EVER having a facebook account. My main motivator however is my children. After watching friends & family become absolutely consumed by it. I decided that having a fb account was like caring for a child & that if I didn’t have enough time for another “child” (& I don’t, because I already have 7!) Then I have no business being on fb, lol! Have to go now, taking my two year old & my grand-daughter trampolining before school today(o:
I feel exactly the same! Thank you for the article!
You’re so welcome, Gretchen!